


Better To Have You In Tears

by Erestorandfin



Series: One Day [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:01:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27476203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: They had been here so many times before, and it always went the same way.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: One Day [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062632
Comments: 16
Kudos: 57





	Better To Have You In Tears

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by 'Get the Devil Out of Me' by Delain.
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta reading this!
> 
> Thoughts are in Italics.

I don't know what to feel  
I don't know what to say  
Oh, I don't know what to do  
What makes me treat you this way?  
  
Oh I get numb in my bones  
Oh I get numb in my heart  
Why don't you leave me alone  
Before I tear you apart  
  
I'm no Jesus Christ  
I'm the one mistake  
That you love to hate  
I apologize  
It's your destiny  
To get the devil out of me  
  
Oh I don't know what to do  
It always ends the same way  
Though I have been here before  
I know the rules to this game  
  
And though I try not to lose  
In the end I will fall  
Better to have you in tears  
Than not to have you at all

I'm no Jesus Christ  
I'm the one mistake  
That you love to hate

I'm no Jesus Christ  
I'm the one mistake  
That you love to hate  
I apologize  
It's your destiny  
To get the devil out of me  
  
If you think I'm hard to handle  
(You give up so easily)  
I just need a good example  
(To be what I used to be)  
  
I'm no Jesus Christ  
I'm the one mistake  
That you love to hate  
I apologize

It's your destiny  
To get the devil out of me

~~~

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, heart sinking even before he saw who had chimed. Already knowing what to expect.

Her ferocious eyes met his, ablaze with passion, desire, determination.

“Kathryn, please. I can’t do this again.”

Her lips were already on his as she pushed him back into his quarters, the door closing behind them. Pressed tightly against him, her arms wrapped around the back of his neck. As her tongue licked along his bottom lip, she nipped softly, requesting entrance. 

Chakotay groaned, mind racing, trying not to be overwhelmed by her relentless pursuit. But she tasted so good, she knew what this did to him, she was well practiced when it came to his weaknesses. With a growl, he grabbed both her arms just below her shoulders and pushed her away, holding her resolutely out in front of him. Panting, she fixed her dilated eyes on him, not struggling, knowing it was pointless considering how firmly he held her.

“We’ve been here before, Kathryn, you know we can’t keep on this way. Tomorrow you will regret this...” Her blue eyes were fluttering at him gently, and he could feel her keenly pressing forward now, not trying to escape, just trying to get closer to him.

“Chakotay…” Her throaty purr did exactly what she intended, sending heat through his whole body, and his grip slackened slightly. Victorious, she escaped his hands, once more pressing against him. Small hands found their way under his shirt, running her nails softly down his back, pushing him closer to her, her lips on his neck. 

“Chakotay, please, we need this…” She pleaded against his skin, hands now at his waist, trying to slide under his uniform. Once more he found her arms, stopping her exploration, pinning her to the wall. His own breathing was harsh now, eyes darkened with adrenaline, excitement, fear. 

“This isn’t a fucking game for me, Kathryn. Every time we do this it gets harder, knowing that tomorrow, this never happened.”

His objections were pointless. They had been here so many times before, and it always went the same way. Eventually he would give in, and tomorrow his heart would be broken again. So would hers. When she was back in control, she would remember his words, remember the pain she had seen in his eyes, remember that once again she had done what she promised each time would be the last time. It wasn’t a game to her either, not in the light of day. But still they ended back here. This could never be enough for either of them, but it was all they could have and it was breaking them both, neither knowing how to escape the vicious circle. 

The unfaltering requirement for her to be perfect weighed heavily on her shoulders. Expected to always know what to do, to always be ready to jump into action, to have no feelings or needs of her own, she led them the best she could, but inevitably she would begin to lose control. Her demons were buried deep, but they both knew they were there, desperate to escape, waiting for any lapse in control to resurface. Fearing what would happen if she let herself be human, she came to him. He was her centre, the only one who knew her as she really was. The only one that could help her, give her back her control when she felt she was slipping. 

She didn’t mean to hurt him but despite her best efforts, she just couldn’t hold herself back, needing so desperately to share the little they could have, regardless of what it cost them. 

Every time she left, he couldn’t help but wonder if having none of her would be better than the pain they inflicted on each other. What it would have been like if they had been able to wait until the time they could have all of each other. However, he was not strong enough to truly push her away, couldn’t bear the thought of her hurting alone. At least this way they suffered together. 

This had already happened, he realised, and was inevitable from the moment he opened his door. Their feelings for each other were just too powerful to resist if they were let out. 

Usually, she kept them so tightly contained, buried deep down where they could never escape, never interfere with her duty. But now and then, something would happen, something that would set her emotions loose, and all her barriers would crumble. Used to being tightly restrained, reserved, the flood of unfamiliar emotions would overpower her, and she always ended up here, with him, while he desperately tried to protect both of their hearts against her inexorable need.

Sometimes she would come to him in anger after a particularly trying experience, or in joy when they managed to take a few years off their journey. Once she even came in fear, needing the protection of his warm embrace to repair her faith. But most often it was when something reminded her of how fragile life was, how each day could be their last, and she would be filled with an irrepressible need to be close to him, as close as it was possible to be. To feel his body and know he was there, that they were together, to pretend nothing would ever be able to come between them. Knowing that what they shared would, at least temporarily, fix whatever was broken inside her. Knowing that tomorrow she would be back to herself, the distance they enforced between them reinstated.

Until the next time she faltered, anyway.

“Please Chakotay, come closer. I need you, I need to touch you.”

Feeling his hands tightening on her arms, Kathryn found herself caught in a breath-taking kiss, hard and angry, already tinged with regret. But neither of them cared anymore, they had each other, at least for now. Tomorrow they would deal with the new cracks this would open. 

Moaning into his mouth, she wiggled underneath him, finding him already hard despite his protests. Neither of them wanting to end the kiss but eventually they had to break apart to breathe. Taking advantage of his distraction, Kathryn found she could stretch her arms just enough to slip her hand under his waistband, and wrap her cool fingers around his hot length. Rubbing her thumb over the tip, she shivered at Chakotay’s pleasured moan as she spread the bead of moisture over his heated flesh. Gazing up with lustful eyes, she found him watching her, and unconsciously licked her lips. He swallowed, fully letting go of her arms now. 

Sinking down in front of him, she quickly removed his uniform trousers, and her free hand moved to his hips, encouraging him towards her. She continued to stroke him, her thumb joining her fingers as she carefully flicked her tongue over his slit. Chakotay swore under his breath, his hand finding her hair and burying his fingers into it, lightly tugging her forward in encouragement. With delight, she lapped the newly forming liquid before taking the head into her mouth, letting him rock gently against her, slowly pushing deeper as his excitement built. Looking back up at him, her lips swollen from their aggressive kisses, she hummed as he began to speed up. With a gasp he pulled her away, a bit rougher than he intended, but she didn’t seem to have noticed, too busy pouting at having to stop her ministrations. 

“Too much, Kathryn...” 

Understanding, she quickly rose and claimed his mouth in another kiss, shivering in approval as she felt him running his hands through her fiery locks, his fingertips triggering tingles all down her scalp and neck. It was him holding them together now, and she could feel his hardness pressed against her stomach, wanting badly to touch him, but knowing he needed a brief respite. Instead she focused on removing his shirt, and he willingly joined her, attacking her clothing as he realised she was still fully dressed. 

With each piece he stripped away, his desire, and his anguish, increased. Kathryn was so beautiful. Wanting to take his time, explore her slowly, show her how much she meant to him. But that wasn’t what this was about; it was too dangerous, too much to deal with tomorrow. It had to be this way, fast and aggressive. It was her way of trying to protect them, reduce how much it hurt. They could pretend this was lust, adrenaline from the danger they faced daily, only a release of tension and nothing more. 

Hastily scooping her up, he deposited her on his desk, infinitely grateful he had cleared it earlier. After what happened today, he had known they would end up here, subconsciously accepting fate despite his conscious attempts to try and stop it. 

Both her hands were on his face, holding him in their kiss as though he was the only thing she needed, as though she needed him more than she needed oxygen, and they both knew they would give their last breath for the other. 

Finding her thighs with his warm palms, he spread her legs, moving into the space this created, needing to be closer. His fingers drawing firm circles on her sensitive skin, close enough to drive her wild, not close enough for any relief. 

Kathryn’s fingers were sharp on his back now, breathing erratic as she pressed against his fingers, so frustratingly close to where she wanted him. 

“Chakotay, please...” 

Her breath caught as his mouth moved to her breast, kissing the soft mound before flicking his tongue over her rapidly hardening bud, sucking it into his mouth, one hand now finding the other, and teasing her in the same manner as his mouth. Arching her body towards him, her head fell back, moaning as her chest heaved, breathless from desire.

The creamy soft skin of her neck exposed when her head fell back called to him and he had to run his lips over it. When his mouth left her breast she whimpered, but as he bit down gently where her neck met her collarbone, his fingers were suddenly delving into her heat, pressing inside of her as her hips pressed up against him. 

“Chaaaakotaay...” His name rolling off her tongue sounded unbelievably arousing, stretched out as though she didn’t want it to end, the harshness of her need for him undisguised. 

“Please…”

Any plans he had had for drawing this out were abandoned. It never failed to amaze him how little Kathryn needed to do, to say, for him to know what she needed. And what she needed was him, now. No more waiting.

Resting his forehead against hers, he was lost in the depth of her eyes, hands finding the softness of her hips as he sank into her. Pausing only a moment to enjoy her expression of ecstasy, he pulled out only to plunge back in immediately, knowing she wanted to feel everything, as much as he could give her. Using his hands to pull her against him in time with his movements, he was relentless, giving her no time to catch her breath. She couldn’t keep up with his pace in this position, so she leant back, her hands feeling behind her, supporting her body, letting her meet every thrust. It opened her up for him, and he could see all her beauty, all her passion. 

Her eyes never left his, unguarded, nothing hidden. For a short time he could have all of her, all her thoughts, all her emotions. All her love and fear, her pain and pleasure. For him she let herself be human, flawed and fragile, but fully alive. This was his Kathryn, the person he loved more than anything, and he knew this moment was worth the agony that would follow. Only with him could she be vulnerable, no one else could know her like this. She could never trust anyone else the way she trusted him. 

Dipping his head, their lips met once more, tugging on her bottom lip, knowing she was so close. As expected, her body rippled, her arms buckling as pleasure washed through her, screaming his name as she came. She would have collapsed against the desk, but he knew her, knew her so perfectly that he had already let go of her hips, sliding his hands underneath her to break her fall. Holding her against him, one hand reaching up her back to cradle against the nape of her neck, he stopped moving, letting her come back down. His eyes were closed, just listening to her breathing, inhaling the flowery scent of her hair. Just holding onto her, holding on to the moment of peace.

As her panting slowed, she began to rock against him, feeling how hard he still was, her body reawakening. 

“Bed, Chakotay.” She needed some control back after being so vulnerable. He pulled her up as he moved backwards, both of them whimpering as they separated. Their short journey to the bedroom was delayed as they stopped for quick kisses, touches.

Finally they reached the bed, and he turned to her. Mimicking her action from when she first came to him, she pushed him firmly, and he fell backwards. In a moment she was straddling him, raised over his body before he had even a moment to think, and then she was sinking down onto him, taking all of him into her.

As much as she loved it when he took her hard, he knew this was her favourite position. Her smaller body could move more quickly than his, this could be as fast and hard as she wanted, or she could drive him mad with slow, teasing movements if she sought to prolong their time together.

Chakotay loved to watch her, to see her complete abandon as she rode him, holding nothing back. Often she would touch herself, her fingers lightly teasing across her chest as she came undone. She had made this his favourite position too. 

Now she was doing exactly that, her delicate fingers running under the soft swell of her breasts, grinding down onto him as she set a quick rhythm. So close already from their earlier actions, he felt himself struggling to hold on until she reached another peak.

“Spirits, you are so beautiful when you touch yourself Kathryn…”

Her breath quickened; he knew she loved to hear his voice when she was approaching climax and she wasn’t the only one who knew how to exploit a weakness. He unashamedly took these opportunities to say things she would otherwise have refused to hear, because they were too close to the line they couldn’t cross. Just because she couldn’t openly accept his love, it didn’t mean she didn’t need it.

“Watching your reactions as your fingers tease across your breasts makes me desperate to touch every inch of your soft skin, to know how every part of your gorgeous body tastes…”

Frantically moving against him, she was too close to focus properly on her rhythm, and, frustrated by her own lack of coordination, she looked at him, trapped on the edge. 

“Kathryn, it’s okay. Let go. Let me see how much you are enjoying this.”

The tension seeped from her body, her mouth opening in a silent moan, not a single sound leaving her. The sight of her was enough for him to lose the last remnants of control he had, and he spilled inside of her, unbelievable pleasure rushing through his whole body. 

Collapsing onto his chest, she rested her head over his heart, hearing the deep beating in time with her own racing pulse. Shifting slightly, he slid out of her, and she snuggled into the nook of his arm, her hand replacing her head over his heart.

Pulling her tightly against him, he wrapped around her as though he would never let go. Slowly their breathing began to even out, her eyes closed as she approached sleep. Watching her face, for once truly relaxed, the fear and stress of reality gone for a brief time.

“Kathryn?” He whispered, pressing gentle kisses into her hair. She didn’t move, either she was already asleep, or was pretending to be. But he understood, she wanted him to have this. It wasn’t much, but it was all she could give him.

“I love you, Kathryn.” 

The glisten of tears in the corners of her closed eyes gave her away.

~~~

When he woke, she was already awake and dressed, sitting up next to the bed in a chair she must have brought through from his living area. Palpitations were already present in his chest as awareness washed over him. Their routine was well established, but that didn’t make it any easier. She never left while he was asleep; having awoken back in control of her emotions, aware of what they had done, she would leave his bed in shame, and wait until he woke to apologise. In some ways it would just be easier if she were gone, but he knew she needed this ritual as much as she’d needed him the night before. 

“Chakotay, I’m sorry. I know it was wrong of me to come.” Her crystal blue eyes were filled with sorrow, guilt, longing for something they couldn’t have. Not now. Not here. 

“I...” But she stopped speaking. They both knew she couldn’t say it.

_…love you._

It was there, but they couldn’t acknowledge it, couldn’t let it be real, or they could never be strong enough to get home. She let him tell her when they were together, knew it was a part of his being, it couldn’t be separated from him. But as long as she kept her words locked up, they could go on pretending.

Saying nothing, he nodded, they both understood the impossible situation they were in. Knew it wouldn’t be long until this happened again, exactly as it had this time and every time before.

Their lips pressed together, gently, filled with the love that was breaking both their hearts. She left in silence. At least this time she hadn’t promised not to come again, a promise she couldn’t keep. 

“Goodbye, Kathryn.” He whispered, seeing her mask falling back into place as she disappeared from his view. He wondered when he would see her again, how long until she broke free once more. 

One day, they could be together, properly together, the way they both longed for. To just be Kathryn and Chakotay. Free from duty and expectations, free to love each other completely, and without reservations. 

One day, it wouldn’t end like this.

One day.

He just hoped their hearts could survive that long.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
